Jolly Oaks
by dyslexic-Carmie
Summary: Oneshot.  America tries to put England into a nursing home.


The American stood up from his seat, and took the spot behind the podium. "Well, I guess the podium should tell ya guys that I have something to say."

The Englishman sighed and set his book down on the table. "Do you ever not have something to say?"

America laughed. "As y'all know, I care deeply about the well being of all my fellow countries-"

The Russian man cut him off. "Did America just start a speech without saying something stupid?"

"Félicitations, America!" France laughed mockingly.

America didn't notice that they were making fun of him. "And you guys know that I want what's best for everybody."

"Only if its for your benefit," England rudely corrected.

"So, I think it will be best for England's benefit-"

The Englishman cut him off. "Please, don't drag me into your next stupid scheme."

"Anyway, I think..." The young nation took a second to pause. "I mean I know that this will be for everybody's benefit, especially England's."

"Not my benefit." The Russian gave a creepy smile.

"After watching numerous infomercials and reading several articles online, I have made a conclusion." America paused for dramatic effect and looked back down at his index card.

"I bet this has something to do with food," the Frenchman whispered to the Chinese man.

China snickered. "Or it might be gun related."

"Old people need to be sent to Jolly Oaks Nursing Home," America said after his dramatic effect pause. He set his index card back down on the podium. "England should be sent there, cause he's old and talks to himself."

The younger nation looked around the room. His boss was right pausing for dramatic effect does make a difference. Everybody was looking at him like he just gave awesome life moving plan, that could cure cancer and put dolphins on the moon.

"Excuse me?" England asked breaking the silence.

"I have decided to send you to Jolly Oaks, England." The American smiled. "Isn't that great? They have water aerobics there, and the infomercial showed lots of happy old folks playing Go Fish!"

"Angleterre in water aerobics!" France chuckled. "That's a amusing mental image."

England blushed. "Why would you send me to a nursing home?"

"You're totally old and you talk to yourself," the young nation clarified.

"I talk to myself?"

Russia laughed. "Yesterday, you said something about a flying bunny needed to give you a backrub."

"I wasn't talking to myself-"

"And the day before that, you were saying something about Captain Hook needing to write a résumé to get a job as a waiter," China added.

"He really needed to write one!"

France snickered. "And the day before that, you said something about a fairy not watching Teen Mom with you."

"Anyway, I think it can be concluded that England is insane and talks to himself-"

The Englishman cut the American off. "How does that conclude that? I wasn't talking to myself! I was talking to Flying Mint Bunny, Captain Hook, and a fairy!"

The Russian frowned. "I didn't see anybody with you."

"Me either. Maybe Angleterre is just crazy."

"Jolly Oaks also has a great program to help the insane old dudes!" America grinned. "The infomercial explained it!"

"I'm not insane, git!"

"Then why do you talk to these imaginary things?" China asked.

England blushed. "I... uh... THEY'RE NOT IMAGINARY!"

"I can't see them," Russia stated. "Or hear them."

"Ditto." France chuckled.

America held out a brochure. "This is the pamphlet Jolly Oaks gave me when I visited."

"You actually visited that place you, git?"

The American ignored him. "So next to the picture of the happy old guy on the scooter, there's a list of qualifications for being a resident of Jolly Oaks."

"What?"

"Read them!" France laughed. "I want to know if England is nursing home material."

"Qualification one, the applicant must be above the age of sixty," America read.

China laughed. "Well, you are a country."

"Qualification two, the applicant must be have a disability or disabilities that keep him or her from living alone."

"I capable of living by myself!"

"No you're not," France smirked. "You need me to have a decent meal."

"Qualification three, the applicant must complete a interview with the current president of Jolly Oaks."

"There's no way in hell that I'm going to have a interview with that guy," the Englishman spat.

"Dude, don't worry. I totally called them and set up a interview for you this afternoon," America exclaimed.

"I refuse to go."

* * *

><p>England was huffed. This room was far too cheerful looking. It didn't seem fitting to the Englishman. A nursing home appearance should be gloomier. It shouldn't actually look like the cheery place portrayed in pamphlet.<p>

"Its been twenty minutes," Russia said looking at the clock. "This president should be here."

"He's not going to show up. Let's just leave." England stood up.

"Dude, sit back down. He's probably just running a little late."

"Fine." England sat back down.

"I bet this president guy is going to be fat man in his forties," the Frenchman whispered to the Chinese man.

The office door opened and in came a thin woman. "Sorry, to keep you guys waiting. I had to drop my daughter off at soccer practice."

France smiled he wasn't expecting a lady wearing a skirt, that exposed that much of her legs, to be the president. "I take it that you are the gorgeous president of this lovely business."

"Yeah, that's me Sophie Grits President of Jolly Oaks Nursing Home." She laughed and looked at her clipboard. "So, which one of you guys is England?"

"He is!" America pointed to the Englishman sitting next to him. "He's completely cuckoo and old!"

She frowned and turned to America. "Sir, the applicant needs to be above the age of sixty."

"He's centuries above that age," Russia clarified.

She frowned. That didn't make any sense. "He also needs to have a disability that keeps him from living alone."

"I don't have a disability," England stated. "I'm perfectly capable of living by myself. I've lived by myself for several years."

"Angleterre can't cook anything, Sophie," France clarified to the president. "May I call you Sophie?"

"I can cook," England spat before she could answer.

The president frowned. "I don't think the inability to cook means that you can't live by yourself."

France laughed. "If somebody doesn't cook for him, he'll die of food poisoning."

"I will not!"

"I think part of me died when he made me breakfast last week," America added.

She looked at her clipboard. "I don't think your friend meets this qualification."

"I think he does," Russia stated remembering the horrible breakfast.

"You should give him a room with a window," America exclaimed. "No, wait give him a room without a window. His craziness might make him jump out of it."

"I don't have craziness!"

She ignored the Englishman. "Goodness, has he jumped out of a window before?"

"The one at my house still needs to be fixed," China answered.

"A fairy was in dying need!"

"A fairy?" she questioned. Maybe this guy really was cuckoo.

"He has a flying bunny friend," the Frenchman clarified. "I could tell you more about it over dinner."

"Her name is Flying Mint Bunny!" England corrected before Sophie could say anything.

"Okay." Yeah, this guy really was cuckoo.

The Englishman put his hand to his face. "Don't tell me that you can't see them too?"

The president smiled. "You know I think England would be more suitable for the sister home of Jolly Oaks."

"What's that?"

She held up a brochure. "Grimily Oaks is the sister home. It's for the insane people that see and hear things."

America took the brochure. "OMG! That's absolutely England!"

"What!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN **

**Well, that was another plot bunny in my insane brain. This idea came from a chat me and my friend had. **

**French Translations- **

**Félicitations – Congratulations **

**Angleterre – England **

**Oh, and point out any grammar mistakes. I like to fix them. **


End file.
